Our Break Room

First Football Game

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
‘I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’ he asked.
‘Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’

Football Wedding

Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”

Empty Seat

A Denver Broncos fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead.”
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn’t find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.
“Oh no.” the guy said. “They’re all at the funeral.”

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

These are true statements: IT’S Scary out there!

1. We had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.”  I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.  He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two…”

We haven’t used Sears repair since.
Homer Glen, IL

~~

2. My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and  I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.  She said, “You gave me too much money.”  I said, “Yes I  know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.”  She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.  I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Bedford, PA

~~

3.  I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.  The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

From  Kingman ,  KS .

~~

4. My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From  Daytona Beach, FL

~~

5. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”  To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”  He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”

Happened in Birmingham,  Ala.

~~

6. The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.   I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?

She was a probation officer in  Wichita ,  KS.

~~

7. I attended a “good-bye” luncheon for an old and dear co-worker.  She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing.’ Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun.  We should do this more often.”  Not another word was spoken.  We all just looked at each other with that “deer-in-the-headlights” stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

Dallas, TX

~~

8. I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.
~~

9. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!”  His reply, “I know.   I already got that side.”

This was at the Ford dealership in  Canton ,  MS.

~~

I love this one!:

10. When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can’t remember) and a guy asked me “Wow, you drove from  Hawaii  to here?” I looked at him and quickly said “Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge.” He nodded his head and said “Cool!”

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us… and they VOTE… and they REPRODUCE…!!

1. Most of Santa’s reindeer have male-sounding names, such as Blitzer, Comet, and Cupid. However, male reindeers shed their antlers around Christmas, so the reindeer pulling Santa’s sleigh are likely not male, but female or castrati.
2. Norwegian scientists have hypothesized that Rudolph’s red nose is probably the result of a parasitic infection of his respiratory system.
3. The Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees out of dyed goose feathers.
4. Each year more than 3 billion Christmas cards are sent in the U.S. alone.
5. All the gifts in the Twelve Days of Christmas would equal 364 gifts.
6. The “true love” mentioned in the song “Twelve Days of Christmas” does not refer to a romantic couple, but the Catholic Church’s code for God. The person who receives the gifts represents someone who has accepted that code. For example, the “partridge in a pear tree” represents Christ. The “two turtledoves” represent the Old and New Testaments.
7. In A.D. 320, Pope Julius I, bishop of Rome, proclaimed December 25 the official celebration date for the birthday of Christ.
8. According to the Guinness world records, the tallest Christmas tree ever cut was a 221-foot Douglas fir that was displayed in 1950 at the Northgate Shopping Center in Seattle, Washington.
9. The traditional three colors of Christmas are green, red, and gold. Green has long been a symbol of life and rebirth; red symbolizes the blood of Christ, and gold represents light as well as wealth and royalty.
10. According to data analyzed from Facebook posts, two weeks before Christmas is one of the two most popular times for couples to break up. However, Christmas Day is the least favorite day for breakups.

To read the other 40 click here: Link

With the recent controversy over more intrusive airport screenings by the Transportation Security Administration (a wholly owned subsidiary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security), the TSA wants to adopt a new slogan so that it’s more “in touch with Americans,” a TSA spokesman said. “A warm, touchy feely concept to make our subjects — uh, citizens — more comfortable.”

Suggestions have been coming in daily from all across the country. Some of the best
* TSA: We Rub You the Wrong Way So You Can Be On Your Way

* TSA: We Are Now Free to Move About Your Pants

* TSA: Don’t Worry! My hands are Still Warm From the Last Guy.

* TSA: It’s Not “Groping” – It’s “Freedom Patdowns”.

* TSA: We Handle More Packages Than the Postal Service!

* TSA: If We Did Our Job Any Better, We’d Have to Buy You Dinner First.

* TSA: Want to Fly? Then Drop Your Fly.

* TSA: Only We Know if Lady Gaga is Really a Lady!

* TSA: Grope Discounts Available

* TSA: When We’re in Doubt You’ll Whip it Out

and…

* TSA: You Can’t See London You Can’t See France Unless We See Your Underpants

Taken from:

http://y2u.co.uk/Jokes_Funny/greatest-short-joke-in-the-world.html

What is the favorite health insurance for Goblins, Ghosts and Monsters?

Medi-Scare

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It’s a pain in the neck.

What can’t you give the headless horseman?

A headache.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Dayscare centers

More Halloween Riddles

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, “I feel terrible. Please examine
me and tell me what’s wrong with me.”

“Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor, “Do you drink much?”

“Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teatotaller. Never touch a drop.”

“How about smoking?” asked the doctor.

“Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.”

“Well, uh,” asked the doctor, “do you have much sex life?”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “Sex is sin. I’m in bed by 10:30 every night . . . always have been.”

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, “Well, do you have pains in your head?”

“Yes,” said the man. “I have terrible pains in my head.”

“OK,” said the doctor. “That’s your trouble. Your halo is on too tight.”

Dear God:

Please untie the knots

that are in my mind,

my heart and my life.

Remove the have nots,

The can nots and the do nots

That I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,

may nots,

might nots that may find

A home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,

would nots and

should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all,

Dear God,

I ask that you remove from my mind,

My heart and my life all of the  ‘am nots’

That I have allowed to hold me back,

Especially the thought

That I am not good enough.

Amen

(turn up your speakers)

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