Archive for the 'Funny' Category

The Doctor’s Drink

Friday, July 8th, 2011

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri.”

“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri doc.”

Texting for Seniors

Wednesday, April 20th, 2011

Since Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Potty
TTYL: Talk To You Later
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?

 

I’ll have a different perspective next time I send a text!

Now we’re laughing!

Wednesday, March 9th, 2011

Some of Ed’s favorite one-liners.


A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “is the bar tender her?”

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other, “does this taste funny to you?”

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.  The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

He couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to him.

He wondered why the boomerang kept getting bigger.  Then it hit him.

He said she was average because he was mean.

Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends, but that would be pointless.

LOL

Football Mania!

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

First Football Game

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
‘I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’ he asked.
‘Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’

Football Wedding

Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”

Empty Seat

A Denver Broncos fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead.”
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn’t find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.
“Oh no.” the guy said. “They’re all at the funeral.”

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

Brain Wave Challenged Sightings

Thursday, December 30th, 2010

These are true statements: IT’S Scary out there!

1. We had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.”  I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.  He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two…”

We haven’t used Sears repair since.
Homer Glen, IL

~~

2. My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and  I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.  She said, “You gave me too much money.”  I said, “Yes I  know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.”  She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.  I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Bedford, PA

~~

3.  I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.  The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

From  Kingman ,  KS .

~~

4. My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From  Daytona Beach, FL

~~

5. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”  To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”  He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”

Happened in Birmingham,  Ala.

~~

6. The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.   I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?

She was a probation officer in  Wichita ,  KS.

~~

7. I attended a “good-bye” luncheon for an old and dear co-worker.  She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing.’ Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun.  We should do this more often.”  Not another word was spoken.  We all just looked at each other with that “deer-in-the-headlights” stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

Dallas, TX

~~

8. I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.
~~

9. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!”  His reply, “I know.   I already got that side.”

This was at the Ford dealership in  Canton ,  MS.

~~

I love this one!:

10. When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can’t remember) and a guy asked me “Wow, you drove from  Hawaii  to here?” I looked at him and quickly said “Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge.” He nodded his head and said “Cool!”

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us… and they VOTE… and they REPRODUCE…!!

Proposed TSA Slogans

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

With the recent controversy over more intrusive airport screenings by the Transportation Security Administration (a wholly owned subsidiary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security), the TSA wants to adopt a new slogan so that it’s more “in touch with Americans,” a TSA spokesman said. “A warm, touchy feely concept to make our subjects — uh, citizens — more comfortable.”

Suggestions have been coming in daily from all across the country. Some of the best
* TSA: We Rub You the Wrong Way So You Can Be On Your Way

* TSA: We Are Now Free to Move About Your Pants

* TSA: Don’t Worry! My hands are Still Warm From the Last Guy.

* TSA: It’s Not “Groping” – It’s “Freedom Patdowns”.

* TSA: We Handle More Packages Than the Postal Service!

* TSA: If We Did Our Job Any Better, We’d Have to Buy You Dinner First.

* TSA: Want to Fly? Then Drop Your Fly.

* TSA: Only We Know if Lady Gaga is Really a Lady!

* TSA: Grope Discounts Available

* TSA: When We’re in Doubt You’ll Whip it Out

and…

* TSA: You Can’t See London You Can’t See France Unless We See Your Underpants

Taken from:

http://y2u.co.uk/Jokes_Funny/greatest-short-joke-in-the-world.html


Halloween Riddles

Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

What is the favorite health insurance for Goblins, Ghosts and Monsters?

Medi-Scare


Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend!


What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It’s a pain in the neck.


What can’t you give the headless horseman?

A headache.


Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Dayscare centers

More Halloween Riddles


What’s Wrong With Me Doctor?

Monday, September 27th, 2010

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, “I feel terrible. Please examine
me and tell me what’s wrong with me.”

“Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor, “Do you drink much?”

“Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teatotaller. Never touch a drop.”

“How about smoking?” asked the doctor.

“Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.”

“Well, uh,” asked the doctor, “do you have much sex life?”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “Sex is sin. I’m in bed by 10:30 every night . . . always have been.”

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, “Well, do you have pains in your head?”

“Yes,” said the man. “I have terrible pains in my head.”

“OK,” said the doctor. “That’s your trouble. Your halo is on too tight.”

Charlie Bit My Finger

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

(turn up your speakers)

How secure is your job?

Saturday, June 12th, 2010

Take the Job Security Quiz


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